RATED-R

Hello my friends! Hey do you believe in being real? yea me too! I believe that being transparent can help someone. It's in our weak moments that God strength is perfected. We all go through high points and low points. Come go with me through a low point. I was devastated and hurt to say the least. So I put my thoughts down on paper. But God loved me through it all and I'm pressing on stronger than ever before because of Jesus! Read on.

This post is RATED-R. It contains REAL and RAW information, graphic language and truthful content. You are urged to log of now if you can't handle it. If being honest is too much for you to handle, log off. If you want REAL, then read on. 

Day 11- Monday 1-19-15

There comes a time when God becomes a reality and its not about the four walls of the church, the choir or praise team, not the prayer line, bible study or Sunday school, it's not about the Pastor or altar workers, not the hat, dress, tie, socks or suit. It comes down to God and His GODness. There is such a place where pain dwells so deep that mere words, text messages, phone calls, hugs and such can't reach to ease the pain, a place where memories can become the dagger that picks at the wound and keeps a scab from forming.

A place I was forced into without my approval by an event that has become a rag to wipe the fog off my once unconsciously clouded eyes to reveal what is. An event that stole my smile, my focus and my attention. An event that bought me to my knees. All class, "bougie"and divaness is for the moment a thing of the past. 

Day 12 - Tuesday 1-20-15 It's day 12 since my world was rocked and I'm not really sure how to go back to the "norm" as they say. I planned on getting out the house today at noon, but as the seconds turn into minutes and the minutes seem to pass quickly, it is now 11:43 a.m. and the strength to get dressed can't be found. 

Yea I know I can just hear the "religious" ones saying get up, get dressed, people are watching how you acting, get yourself together blah blah blah! But I would have to ask, is there a protocol to responding to pain? Is there order when it comes to being broken? Is there a "right way" to walk this out? Is there an expectation I am unaware of? 

Day 14 - Thursday 1-22-15

I cleaned out my dad's apartment yesterday on (day 13) which felt like someone had pushed the rewind button and I went all the way back to the day  and the ache in my heart was too much that I couldn't put pen to paper yesterday. I couldn't seem to pen the pain. I couldn't find the desire to pen the process.

I guess some would pull my "saved" card or better yet my "evangelist" card since they would say I'm acting in such a way that the "world/unsaved" would act during a time like this. You know preachers are suppose to have poise and push past the pain. You know dignified. Class. Proper. And as I try to pull it together once again as the sun rises on a new day, I again find no strength. No desire. No actual want to. 

I'm the one that people call, text or email when they need prayer. And I say that not arrogantly but truthfully. So now I need to make a prayer withdrawal because my ability to pray for myself is in the negative. One can only hope that all those who keep saying "I'm praying for you" are actually putting these words into action.

Day 18 - Monday 1-26-15

I had been stuck since the day my world was shattered. I felt like a hostage. The situation grounded me and I couldn't  seem to move. I kept saying God Help me. I knew I needed a break through. And by that I mean I needed God to pick me up out of the "quicksand" of pain and place me back on firm foundation so I can go on. Crying as I take a step, but no longer stuck. Hurting as I move, but no longer stuck. Hollering at times, but no longer stuck! 

Yesterday (Day 17 - Sunday 1-25-15) As a toddler raises their arms to be picked up, so I stretched my hands to God my Father and He so perfectly picked me up and rescued me from the place that held me captive. Hallelujah!

We live, serve God, preach, teach, sing and shout about the goodness of God and it's in pain and trouble we come face to face with what we been saying about Him all along.

Those words must now become the reality that 

 It's in dark moments that He shines the brightest. 

Today (Day 235 - Tuesday 9-1-15 YOUR BIRTHDAY!)

I couldn't write all these months but I promised myself today would be the day to celebrate you and make you proud. Today I go forward and do what it is I do. I will walk in purpose on purpose and make you proud. 

I'm so thankful for you today. Happy Birthday dad!

I'm ok. I'm sad, but ok. I miss you, but I'm ok because God has Fathered me in my darkest moments. And for that I'm Thankful. 

Love "Dee"